BREAKING NEWS It appears that notoriously unhinged German art historian/anthropologist Dr. Ulrich Von Heimlich-Manouevre has unearthed a previously unseen series of drawn images depicting the human race of a thousand years ago. The crazed Dr. Von Heimlich-Manouevre has been working on this particular mission for the last seventeen years, writing countless books and journal articles on his findings -- e.g. 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' about the previous civilisation's obsession with dieting, and 'I'm Only Happy When You're Naked', on the rise of 20th and 21st century pornography. Despite the use of questionable methods, our race owes a lot of the understanding we now have of ourselves to Dr. Von Heimlich-Manouevre. Below is the series of images, found in rural Melbourne, Australia, with an overview of Dr. Von Heimlich-Manouevre's findings and summations.
The doctor believes this to be depicting a crude and primitive form of hunger satisfaction. After consulting many of his notes on the previous civilisation, he claims that the human race used to have to 'eat food' to nourish their bodies. A ludicrous concept in comparison with today's method. Imagine not having access to the ease and convenience of the Hunger Satisfaction Injection, but needing to interrupt your day with the act of shopping for 'food', preparing a 'meal' out of it and then 'eating' it with your mouth. We certainly have come a long way.
The doctor believes this to be one of the ways that the human race prepared such 'food'. This human is making what was called a 'pizza'. Apparently flavour 72340 of our Hunger Satisfaction Injections are based on this particular creation. How quaint.
This is the most interesting of the findings. The human race today sees this kind of image everyday, as in our society all images move no matter the context or surface, but this image is apparently when this technology was just being developed. In the previous civilisation, this was only accessible through a screen of some kind. The doctor believes this image was captured on what is referred to as an 'iPhone', which was primarily used for communication, but also, it appears, cutting edge technology such as image-making. Using a device to communicate with others rather than simply just channeling them in your mind as we do in this day and age seems like a lot of effort. This previous civilisation certainly had a lot of time on their hands.
The doctor describes the act depicted in this particular image as 'reading a book'. Since the legislation of 2352 AD that made print illegal, we wouldn't find this item in today's world outside of very carefully guarded museums. You may recall recent headlines about lobbyists trying to get these 'books' destroyed for good in the hope that the world will be rid of all sinful, dark arts material once and for all.
The doctor regrettably has no clue as to the meaning of this image. He claims that he will, unfortunately, need to spend years and years decoding this one.
This image certainly perplexed the doctor but he came to the conclusion that, due to the oversized fingers on the left hand side, this one was drawn around the time that giants were beginning to be discovered on earth, and that this human was one of the first to come into contact with the species. He believes this human was having a relationship with a giant, but that is only a guess. His main concern is how the giant managed to create such an intricate drawing with such big hands.
And so we've come to the last image in the series. A familiar scenario to the humans of today, the doctor believes. Due to the similarities in appearance between these two humans, the doctor claims they are related, possibly even closely. He describes that their proximity to each other is indicative of the time frame of this image, as he has concluded that a thousand years ago, relatives were still able to physically touch each other, without the electric shocks brought on by physical contact with relatives that we are so accustomed to today. Note: scientists are still unaware as to why this happens.
Dr. Von Heimlich-Manouevre feels sure that he will unearth more images like this, so that we can learn as much as possible from the previous civilisation.
What are your thoughts on Dr. Von Heimlich-Manouevre findings? Have anything to contribute? Tell us in the comments section!
The Daily News team.
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